september



My favorite month is officially here.

I love September. I love how summer fades into fall, I love the changing colors and soft winds and rustling leaves. I love the crisper mornings, the chill of early evening, just cold enough for a cardigan, and maybe socks and boots.

We don't get much of any of that here in Florida in September. Instead, summer continues, with bouts of cool air, the occasional evening thunderstorm and a sunrise that lends itself to the nostalgic mornings of early June.

This past week has been quite difficult for me. Just as summer began to wane, my entire mood did the same. I've felt lazy, unmotivated, frustrated. Disappointed. I don't think I realized how much this last semester would affect me. Not in the nostalgic kind of way; I won't miss college. But more in the I-have-no-clue-what-I'm-doing-anymore-or-where-I'm-going kind of way. Even from a young age, I've always felt dissatisfied with where I am. I'm always looking ahead. In high school, I thought I'd find my answers in college. And throughout college, I was sorely disappointed. And now, I keep thinking I'll find my place after I graduate.

But I realize that can't be farther from the truth. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and be that little girl with the rose-colored glasses on. Seeing a world in which there are no impossibilities. It's not like that now. I know how the world works, and I don't like what I've found. My rose-colored glasses have a lot of cracks in them now. I'm afraid that I will never be able to live the life I dreamt of when I was a little girl. The one where I got to write stories and create places and people for others to dream in, escape to for a time. Because the reality is, I will have bills to pay. People to take care of. Responsibilities not just to myself.

And yesterday, it hit me. Oh man, I am so very selfish. 

I can't let the negative things in the world dictate who I am and how I will live my life. Despite the clearer vision, I can't let myself discard the rosy hue of possibilities and dreams. I can't give up. 

But I do need to accept my life as an adult.

I need to seek the positives. Life will always have its ups and downs. As we enter this beautiful new month of September, I want to start over. Embrace where I am now. Find the sweet moments, discard the negative ones. And remember that I am here for a reason, even if I can't see it right now.