it's safe to say i've never considered myself content. the word to me, has always felt like a foreign concept, a gray area, a place yet to be uncovered for me. an intangible sort of thing. i have change my mind about what i want in life so many times i've lost count. indecisiveness has tormented me forever, and my lack of confidence and misplaced focus on only the future has caused happiness to taunt me throughout the years--appearing for times and disappearing quickly when insecurity and fear got in the way.
i think all my life, i've been striving. much, much too hard, the perfectionist in me driving me to never be satisfied. perhaps it's our human condition, i wonder. perhaps none of us are truly ever satisfied.
and i'm not, truly.
but i do feel this sense of being content. this summer is different, it seems, from the others. not just for the obvious reasons. but i've been struggling and pushing against myself for so long that i think i got worn out to the point where i sat down and realized.
i am here. i am here, now.
i always thought finding that balance was far off in the distance. in high school, i thought i'd find my happiness and place in college. in college, i thought i'd find it after graduation in a career. neither was right. i work two normal part-time jobs this summer. i still have 3 measly months left of my undergrad. i don't live in my dream town. somehow though, i have stopped fighting who i am and what i want. i am trying to overcome my tendency of indecision, undervalue of myself, fear of choice, and lack of satisfaction. i am beginning to see that the future is not where i am meant to be right now, or else i'd be there.
today, i am content. maybe i have been for the past two weeks, an unfamiliar sense of calmness that wrapped me up and set me down right where i am and said, look around you.
i live in a beautiful apartment with the man i love. i have time and space to write the things i am passionate about. i am finally cultivating an independent design ambition without fear holding me back.
sometimes it just hits me. thankfulness. it's a choice, a conscious effort, to allow contentment in. i will never get everything right, but it's not even about that anymore. it's just about letting God be in control of my life and trusting things will be okay.
since deciding to open a jewelry shop, i've had my fair share of doubts. in the past, i have decided to do something and have failed to follow through, out of fear and insecurity and worry. the day i bought my first jewelry supplies, i felt different. it was a big step for me, to make that purchase. it meant trusting God to see me through financially, making myself vulnerable to failure and disappointment, and actually making a conscious decision about what i want to do in life rather than go back and forth, unable to commit to anything.
who knew buying a few little beads would completely change my life?
and since then, i have felt confident. i feel the possibilities, and i want them. this idea started as a hobby, but it continues to grow. insecurities continue to pop up on occasion, but i keep telling myself: i can do this. i'm good at this. i sincerely want this to be my job.
so yes, i am content. i am right where i am supposed to be--because i have finally allowed myself to embrace who i am and what i want. because i have finally made a choice in a sea of uncertainty.
next week, i should be announcing the opening of my shop. (and its name!) be on the lookout, friends. your support has been so wonderful :)