i need to admit something: i'm scared.
scared of what, you ask?
i'm scared of what lies ahead. in my life. in the next few days. i'm scared of my own potential, i'm scared of falling down, of failing, of making a mess, of embarrassing myself.
E and i are moving to a new neighborhood. one in the city, one where status, wealth and material items signify worth. one where i feel intimidated walking downtown in expensive stores because someone might recognize me as the girl who does not belong.
how silly does that sound? even just typing it out, i feel ridiculous. but i have to admit it's true. as much as i'm excited to be in a new apartment downtown, to learn how to live within walking distance of things, to hear new sounds outside my window--it's overwhelming.
in the past year, i feel like i've made good strides on my quest to become closer to God, closer to myself and the woman He created me to be. but sometimes--especially in situations where i feel intimidated--i lose the confidence i've found in Him and become timid and shy.
do you ever feel like this? it happens sometimes. it's normal, especially when trying to balance on the tightrope between the American Dream and God's Dream. when you feel society's pressure to be one person, while God is telling you to be another. maybe you find yourself seeking to buy expensive gadgets or clothing labels. maybe wasting time living in the virtual world of social media, trying to keep up an image that doesn't reflect what you feel God is telling you in your heart. you lose yourself a bit during the journey and have to seek Him out again.
i'm afraid of who God wants me to be sometimes. i'm afraid of what that woman will look like to normal society. what will they think, what will they say, how will i make and keep friends? the questions taunt me as i try to navigate my own purpose.
but 2 corinthians 4:7 says this:
"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
this verse is so needed right now. while i battle self-doubt and uncertainty during a new transition, this verse tugs on my heartstrings and tells me,
YOU are a jar of clay. transformed by Potter's hands every day. renewed by His love, sculpted by His care. if He lives within you, you hold treasure that far exceeds this world. He is the treasure that exists within you, and with Him, nothing is impossible.
i have no need to feel shame or insecurity; no need to hide who i am through God. people will find something to judge, ridicule, laugh at--but we are a treasure to God. our purpose is not to boast of ourselves but to boast of Him and His love, in all that we do. not to hide the gifts He has given us, but to claim them and proclaim them as reflections of Him.
i don't want to be scared to be myself in this new place, or anywhere for that matter. i want to be and show God's love the best that i can. i want to continue to allow myself to be molded by God and for God. and that will be enough. because my worth comes from my Creator, not the standards of society. i should not feel guilty if i am not who society says i should be.
and neither should you.
because God himself is living within us, molding us and sculpting us every day.
and what a beautiful thing that is :)
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